Category: Dating and Relationships
Hello zoners!
I have a big dateing/lets talk about it thing to talk about with you all. Rite now I am dateing this guy named David. He's a great guy in most ways, funny, kind, action oriented, is intristed in games movies etc. The thing is he was raised in a varry restricted intolectchule home. This meens that his family does not selabrate easter at all, no easter bunny for him and his siblings because easter is a time to thank god for saveing us from sinn, not for little children to get candy. No christmass, tooth farrie, santa etc because it's lying and basicley devel worship. The only presents he and his siblings got for christmass were always under $5 and it still remanes that way. The rezening behind this? It's someone elses birthday, so you don't get presents to selabrate someone elses birthday. Speecking of birthdays, you don't get presents at all on your BDay because your alive, and that should be gift enough. I am completley diffrent, i.e I beleve that all these thing above should be dun for fun. Now I'm not saying that you have to get candy gifts etc to be a good family member or parent,, but it's all the enfosis of picking things apart and being well to put it politely blaaaa.
So the main reson y I put this on the bords besides ranting is, would you marrie a guy that's family's crazy? Cause as my mom always says you can't change a can of corn to a can of pees, so you had better like corn, and the same thing go's for guys. But does the family go along with this picture?
In most cases, absolutely, you are marrying into a family. There are, of course, cases where your spous, for whatever reason, chooses to abandon his/her family altogether in which case you don't have to deal with them. But most people will become a part of each other's families to some extent, even more so if they have kids together. And, really, you want your kids to have an extended family, to watch them, pamper them, give them gifts (of course not in this case) and to be there as a security network if something should happen to you. I loved growing up with a grand parent and I'd want my kids to enjoy that too, plus it's awfully nice to have someone baby it from time to time.
That's may be beside the point and, way in future type thinking, but the general point is that you need to consider the whole package, if you can't live with the man's family, how does he feel about it? Does he believe the same things, would you be willing to let your kids live like that, are you ready for many an awkward dinner invitation or birthday etc? I'm, by no means, saying break up with him or anything. You two may find a common approach and feel similarly about these habits, neither person's family can dictate how you raise your kids, even if they will try (and I am sure they will try, may be just with advice but that's always tainted by their experience and beliefs).
So, good luck, but at least this is something you guys need to talk about if you get let's get married and have kids, serious.
I'd be very certain that he is the right dude before getting attached to a crazy family. I say this just having gone through a divorce after marrying a man despite his crazy family. My ex's family had some strange values that I didn't agree with, but I was under the impression when I agreed to marry the dude that he was actually more open-minded and not crazy. As it turned out, he really did share some of those crazy values and it was a contributing factor in our divorce. With my husband, it wasn't so much about religion, although that was an issue too, but antiquated beliefs about a woman's place in the home and society. My husband's mother was very submissive and docile and did whatever she was told. She really had no identity other than being a wife and mother. She was very apologetic if she ever said anything that wasn't right in line with what her husband believed. She basically had no opinions of her own. It was really sad to see because she was much smarter and had a lot more common sense than that idiot husband of hers. Anyway, turns out that despite all my husband's gibberish about a marriage being a partnership and how he hated the way his Dad treated his Mom, what he actually wanted was a quiet little wife who would cook and clean and agree with anything he wanted to do. He saw himself as the protector and I was his property to protect. Basically, he wanted me to assume the same role as his Mother. It became even worse when I lost my vision and I was suddenly the helpless little blindy that needed to be taken care of. Obviously none of this crap worked for me because I kicked his ass out and am happier than a puppy with 2 peckers about being a single woman again. All I'm saying is that whether the dude claims to agree with his family or not, he was raised around those values and they will have some effect on him that could be negative and that you will have to put up with. Plus, if he is close to his family, you will have to be spending time with them. If you think they're crazy, that time will be miserable and stressful for you. It could easily result in conflict between you and the dude. You might not want to spend as much time with them as he does and while you might think you're willing to just suck it up and deal with them, there's always the chance that you will become resentful about having to spend time with them. That's what happened with me. Another problem that came up was his inability to fit in with my family. Again, it was a difference in value systems. If you're really sure that he's the dude for you, then take the chance. But I'd definitely have some serious talks with him about everything so you can each learn where the other stands on these issues and make an informed decision about whether you can make the relationship work in spite of your different values.
Sorry to be so long winded with my life story. Good luck.
hi lupin's girl
i love harry potter to. lupin is the best.
anyway, in this case, it seems that the family is only part of the issue. David sounds like he lived in a pretty joyless environment. No birthday presents because your life is gift enough? Sounds like misers finding excuses for bad behavior.... oh well, i'm digressing. gifts and celebrations are what separates us from our pets, wild animals and plants. Granted, I think the birthday thing gets carried w-a-a-a-ay over board, but creating and giving gifts for others is a way to teach generosity and compassion.
If you decide to marry dreary david, You will have to come to some kind of compromise. Unless you want to become a holiday hijacker and/or if he is unwilling to bend, sounds like a deal braker to me.
As for crazy families, I am a member of a blended family which shares none of my values and my husband's mother is called Marge in Charge and her husband is mel from hell. That gives you an idea of his home life. Thank goodness his folks live many miles distant. We have decided to invent and practice our own traditions. Our families are part of them as limited participants. As an example, My step brothers are extremely wealthy and materialistic. Therefore, we don't celebrate Christmas with them. However my step mom and dad come over for the gift exchange and dinner the day before or after.
You can't make everyone happy. A group participant and that includes a marriage gets some of what he or she wants. In other words everyone is a little unhappy. Laughing and compromising are the best ways to deal with relatives.
I would mary a guy because I love him, I don't care how his family is. As long as we can have a relationship with out the families every step of the way invalved
Concerning the fifth post, amen!
I don't think this guy's family is crazy. If they choose not to celebrate holidays and birthdays for these reasons, it sounds pretty all right to me. If you think about it, they're not being unreasonable and insensible. But that's just me. If you think you can't deal with it, then don't. But like the previous poster said, if you marry a man, do it because you love him, don't base your relationship on his and your families.
Concerning the fourth poster, I don't think that not celebrating holidays and birthdays makes a person boring and unhappy. There's way more to life than just those things, and there's so much more that separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom and plants. Life shouldn't revolve around holidays and birthdays.
If you think this guy is the one for you, just discuss these things with him, and see if compromising is possible. Relationships always involve losses and gains.
I think the last statement in the last post pretty much says it all. Concerning the craziness of a family, I think it is all relative. My wife and I think that a large part of the other's family system is crazy. I have to say that about my own. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you look hard enough, you'll find craziness and some dysfunctional aspects to all families. I think that before marrying an individual, one must determine if he or she can live with whatever kind of craziness is there, and go from that point. I'm fortunate in that my in-laws are all out of state.
Lou
Turricane, you seem to be making judgments about David based on his family. Just because he was raised in this kind of environment doesn't mean he can't have fun, or enjoy holidays himself. In fact, he may not agree with the way his family does things, and specifically plan to live his life differently as a result of how he was raised.
Lupin's Girl, I'd say this is something that needs very open and honest communication between you and David. How does he feel about his family's beliefs? How does he plan to live his own life, especially if he were to have children of his own? Be very careful in how you talk about this, as people are liable to defend their families. If you two agree with each other about beliefs, holidays, etc, then I see no reason why his family's beliefs should stop you from getting married. Yes, family is a part of life, but you marry someone for the two of you and the love you have, not for others.